I began this blog to document how I was healing emotionally after losing Adam. There is so much more to grief than I ever knew. However, last week I was thrown a major curve ball! An emergency appendectomy and some gallstones sent me to the ER. Matt was sadly out of town on business and I felt no need to make him come home. It was not life threatening and my village totally stepped up to take care of everything…like always!
I was not happy to be going through this. It is summer. Our play time. It is sacred to me!!! (Oh and to the kids too!) Coming out on the other side of surgery meant no pool, no white water, no heavy lifting, no strenuous exercise…UGH!!!! I have a house that 7 people live in. I have laundry that is quite frankly NEVER done. I have a kitchen that is always a mess in the summer, because kids are always in it. I have so much to accomplish and it has taken me a week to even feel human again. Now to add insult to injury, I am worried about getting all the back to school supplies together.
I realize all this is totally insignificant. I had children who were confused, worried and afraid. Everything happened so quickly, no one really had time to think. We all just went into survival mode. I had a husband who was desperately trying to focus on his work, while his wife was undergoing surgery and kids were all with other family members. He was not able to talk with doctors or nurses or really me. ( I was a bit out of it.) I did know that God was in control of every moment. I prayed…A LOT. I have 3 kids who lost their father to cancer and so naturally, there is a fear there with hospitals, sickness and surgeries. I have 2 kids who’s mother opted to live a different life, leaving them behind and will always deal with a fear of being left again. I am forever thankful for all 5 of these blessings. They are a gift, and they need me. They need stability. They need a mom who is here, healthy and able to calm all their fears. I came home to lots of hugs, love and some confessions. My favorite was that Susan was so confused. She didn’t know what was going on. She wasn’t sure why she was being shuttled from one set of grandparents, to her mother for the day, to another set of grandparents. They were all told what was going on. I feel it is so important to be pretty open and honest with our kids. They know and figure out way more than we think! But it was so joyous to come home to so much affection. Sometimes, God wants us to just stop. I guess sometimes the only way to stop me and allow me to rely on others is to take me out for a bit! Stop to hug our babies. Stop to listen to them and help assure them there is nothing to fear. That everything will be okay. Stop to soak up the little moments.
We live in such a hurried world. A hurried life. Hectic schedules, activities, time lines, lists and appointments. Summer is a time to slow down. Relish every moment. Appreciate the things we take for granted. I am healing from physical part of surgery. It has also helped all of us heal from fears of hospitals, surgeries, and the unknown. I won’t lie, there was fear, and lots of not so good memories of being back where everything began with Adam. But I look at where we are now. The happiness that we have found. The fear of loss will always be in all of our minds. Once you go through major life changes like we all did, it is hard to let go of that. We are all so thankful for doctors, surgeons, family and friends who helped us through this crazy time! We know that God has a plan for everyone of us. This is just one minor piece of our healing process. There are lessons in every aspect of life. It is up to us to determine how we will cope, grow and learn. Chose joy, find happy and keep growing!