I am a great evader all things hard, difficult, or too complicated. I mean a non-confrontational, don’t start anything if I don’t have to, avoid conflict at almost any cost, and completely shut down if it is too hard or complicated. I have pretty much been this way my whole life. I am the second of 4 children. The middle girl. Therefore, I am the peacemaker,try and make everyone happy kind of person.
I am amazing at compartmentalizing my feelings, fears and emotions. If it is something I don’t want to deal with, I can neatly package it up and set it in the back of my mind and try my best to forget about it. I don’t deal with it. I let it fester, warp, internalize it into myself and allow it to eat away at me little by little, but I don’t even realize I am letting it happen.
It is not a quality about myself that I like. In fact, I loathe and despise this quality. Being completely overwhelmed at times also causes me to shut down. That includes cleaning up a big mess or reorganizing something that is out of sorts. So instead of starting small, like I should, I just don’t do anything at all. It then sometimes becomes bigger than I ever thought it could be. Making whatever task I am facing, even more daunting.
I am now married to a man that sees it coming and calls me on it pretty much right away. I am learning more and more about myself, every time I do this now. I no longer shut down, I am learning to confront things head on. One piece at a time, one hurdle at a time, one difficult task at a time, one mess at a time. It helps greatly that I have someone who encourages me to do just that, or actually steps in to begin it and lets me jump in to help when I can see what I need to do. He doesn’t judge me. He doesn’t nag me. He doesn’t criticize me or make me feel like it is a bad thing. He just quietly waits until I can process my thoughts, feelings, emotions and allows me to discuss it or tackle it when I am ready.
My husband has shown me what true grace is. God is full of grace, every day, every moment and in every circumstance. God would not want me to make myself feel bad about myself because of the human part. I am human. I am full of flaws. I am also full of choices. I am also created by God! Created perfectly in His image. I can allow life to take over my thoughts, feelings, emotions and allow my failures and flaws to dictate how I chose to deal with things. Or I can give myself some grace and conquer this little by little. Moment by moment. Piece by piece. Life is hard. God is good! Keeping Him first is the only way that I can overcome this. I am thankful everyday for his gifts.