Birth is a beautiful thing. I had the honor of carrying 5 babies, and delivering 3. Avery being the first. She as a big and beautiful baby, who came into this world on her own terms with a very dramatic flair to her delivery! She is still all of these things! She was everything I had prayed for. When she was about 11 months old, I discovered I was pregnant again. We were elated! Shocked and a bit anxious with Avery still not being a year old. I would have 2 babies under the age of 2!! At 9 weeks, I lost, not 1 but 2 babies. We didn’t know they were twins until the sonogram to confirm there was no longer a heartbeat(s). I left the doctors office weeping. They wanted me to wait it out at home and see if my body would naturally go through the process, or if an in office procedure called a DNC would be needed. I was devastated, inconsolable, and completely broken. I didn’t understand why? Did I do something wrong? Did I not deserve these babies to love. All sorts of these kinds of thoughts ran rampant in my head. I knew in my heart of hearts that none of those thoughts carried any merit, but still, I had them.
Approximately 6 weeks later it dawned on me that I had not resumed my regular cycle and called my OB/GYN’s office to speak to a nurse. She told me to go take a pregnancy test and to call her back. I hung up stunned, but raced out the door to buy a test kit! That showed up positive almost instantly! I was ecstatic!!!! I could not wait for Adam to come home and share the news with him. Then fear took over!!! I was so afraid that I would not carry this baby to term, I tried not to let my anxious thoughts steal my joy. The office wanted me to come in immediately to make sure everything was okay since it was so soon after my miscarriage. The blood work all came back with excellent numbers and they asked me to come back for a sonogram. Sweet Jesus, twins again!!!! Two strong heartbeats, 4 hands, 4 feet, and perfect little peanuts!!! We were a bit nervous when they decided to appear 4 weeks early, but they too, were perfectly healthy, tiny little bundles. They also still do things their own way and their bond is beautiful.
In May of 2013, I gained 2 more precious children. They were open and full of love to share with all of us. Although we had our trials at the beginning, getting to know one another and figuring out how each of us ticked. We discovered what works and what doesn’t. We learned how to love one another exactly how each of us needed.
Although I was not there 14 years ago today, when Joe was born, I know that he is a part of my heart. He is the piece I didn’t know was missing, until he came along to fill it up. He fit perfectly.
There are many people who have experienced the loss of a child. It is a hard and horrible heartache. It is something you never get over. It is a grief that you will always carry with you. It is a child you will never see reach milestones, watch grow up or get to hold and comfort in their own times of trouble. I don’t know why this happens. I will never understand it this side of heaven. But I am thankful that I will meet the little loves I lost in heaven. Adam is with them now. If you have experienced this, know that you are not alone. Your child is still very much as real to you as mine were to me. I pray that you will accept the peace that only God can give you.
Tonight we celebrate our oldest son. 14 years of life on this earth. He is a blessing to all who know him.
Phillipians 4:7 “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”
Sowing tears and reaping joy 