The healing is the hardest

5 weeks ago at 45 years old, I had a total hysterectomy. I have had issues for years and my doctor and I tried every way possible to avoid this as long as we could. But it was affecting my daily life and was becoming an problem in many different ways.

So add in a global pandemic, quarantine, online schooling, all regular activities, camps and vacations cancelled, in-laws in assisted living and memory care and we cannot see them, a nation divided filled with protesting, rioting and hate, raising 5 teenagers in a blended family who all have their own issues, a husband whom normally travels once a week for work, now at home 24/7, along with said 5 kids, 2 dogs, a cat, a fish, a chameleon, and a bearded dragon, and now a major surgery.

I am not doing my best right now. Life is hard. I am really struggling to find my place in this world. I am in a season of parenting where my kids don’t really need me physically to help them do things. They are all, for the most part pretty self sufficient at this point. I am needed for money, driving them places and making them do their daily chores. I feel empty. Where is my purpose in this season? What am I offering to this life we are currently living? I have way more questions than answers.

My heart has been heavy and my soul is weary. I am seeking and searching for something to be my joy. I am tired of the constant stream of bad news, sad news, and mad news. I am tired of feeling trapped. I am tired of our country living in a chronic state of fear.

7For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7

I am thankful that at this point we are all physically healthy. I am recovering quite well from my surgery. I am talking through a lot of these emotions with my husband who reminded me not so long ago about how much of our life was cancelled due to Covid 19. Where are you in this? How is your heart?

Today I pray for each of you my friends. Today I pray that God would fill me with His peace. Today I pray for healing of our hearts, our minds, our bodies, our country, and our faith.

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled; do not be afraid. John 14:27