Okay, today I am just going to be real. I feel inadequate. I feel like I am not enough! I feel like I am constantly letting someone down. I am overwhelmed. Life as a mother and wife is tough stuff! No one can prepare you for days like I had today. The hardest part, it is not one thing that triggered this emotional basket case I became today. It was a series of unfortunate events that built up and now I feel like they are all sitting on top of my shoulders. I feel as though I am in the dessert. Standing alone. But I know I am never truly alone.
So today I had to remind myself to breathe…(okay, that’s not completely true, Matt had to remind me to breath!) So I did. I also shed some tears. I am doing some grieving. Grieving for innocence lost. Grieving for struggles. Grieving for failures. Grieving for so many things. Sometimes the weight of this life can just be too much to bare. Today, I am giving it all to God (again). I cannot do this on my own. I simply don’t have the strength. I also have to face each of these things one at a time. I have to deal with them. I have to figure out how to overcome them. I have to survive them and become stronger on the other side of my grief and fears and worry and tears. God has all of this under control. I cannot be anxious or worried. It will paralyze me. It will send me into a spiral of all sorts of horrible emotions. It will make become a victim of my circumstances. I am a lot of things, but I will NEVER be a victim. I will be an overcomer! God has proven himself to me over and over throughout my life. He has always been my one constant. Why do I tend to forget this or allow myself to try and take control of things on my own. I know I will always fail if I don’t rely fully on God.
I cannot effectively parent our children or be a good wife if I am not taking care of myself. Physically and emotionally. I have suffered with depression for years. It started with postpartum depression after the twins were born. It continued to spiral when Adam became sick and then after his death. I thought once I made it through all of that and found love again with Matt that I would be good. Nope! Not so much. Not because I wasn’t in a happy place, but because that is how I am wired. Mental health is not something you can just fix because life is good. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain. It is nothing you did wrong. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is something I still deal with on a daily basis. I am thankful for medications that help me! I am thankful for a husband that sees me slipping sometimes and helps me deal with it. Some days are really ugly and hard. Some days are a piece of cake! Some days are full of joy and some days are full of tears. I will gladly admit that there is way more joy than tears, but there are still tears. I am a girl after all and sometimes, crying just makes you feel better. It is a release of sorts for me. It makes me healthier. It allows me to let go of all that I am holding onto.
Today I may not feel like I am enough. But I know that God loves me and that I am more than enough. I know He chose me to be a mom to 5 amazing kids and wife to an amazing husband. He has blessed us with a beautiful life. He gives me purpose.
Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways know him and he will make your paths straight.” CSB